Non-Singing'est Singers

As her regular readers likely already know, The Professional is not malicious hater--but she is indeed a truth-teller, no matter how that tends to come across. With that disclaimer taken care of, The Professional offers you her list of the most non-singing'est singers she adores to abhor:

Ciara: Don't get it twisted, The Professional really does like a couple of Ciara's records. "Oh" is one of her favorite records of the last decade written/produced by the talented Dre & Vidal, and she isn't even that violently mad at the last record "Never Ever." But realistically speaking, everyone knows that this child is nobody's vocalist. Its the look, the dancing, the personality and the catchy production that hooked the fans.

Janet Jackson: The Professional is by no means suggesting that Miss Jackson doesn't have hits. Hits she indeed has. However, vocals she has not. If any randomonious chick who wasn't a Jackson--Janet Jackson, in particular, because we didn't even embrace LaToya--went into the studio with those whispery-ass soft throaty vocals, she'd be laughed out of town--regardless of how pretty she is. At this point, it doesn't really matter (get it?!), because Janet Jackson is pretty much epic. There's no argument there.

T-Pain: First of all, has anyone actually ever heard his 'real' singing voice? The Professional has been so inundated by his auto-tuned sound, that she can't say for certain that this joker can even hold a real note. But hey, in contemporary hip-hop, who needs to hold a note?!

and finally...

Aaliyah: C'mon, c'mon now... you know The Professional loves and misses her some Aaliyah. Still, though she was beautiful, exotic, mysterious, crazy-sexy-cool, and basically the flyest chick on the scene in the 90's--a stellar vocalist she was not. She just wasn't. Accept this. The Professional is not suggesting that she was horrible--but she definitely was no Coko from SWV (bust a move on that throwback...!).

On a related topic, The Professional would like to take a moment to point out some voices that she just plain HATES. This doesn't mean she is denying the starpower. It just means she hates these particular voices, and will go to any length to avoid the ear-murder caused by a force-feeding by these artists:

- Slim from 112: Dude, please stop whining. The first few 112 records were dope, The Professional cannot tell a lie. But after the fifty'leventh whining joint, she'd had enough. Enough!

- Anita Baker: The Professional knows that she'll get some flack for this one, but she offers no apologies. Dear Anita Baker, you sound like a real-live dying CAT. Though The Professional is aware that Anita Baker has some classic R&B records, forcing her to listen to any one of them might as well substitute for an act of vigialante torture.

- Kandi Burress: The Professional used to be a fan of Kandi, but her appearance on The Real Housewives of Atlanta killed every ounce of "like" she once had. The voice, and the shoddy songwriting (for her own project, no less) makes The Professional really want for the "old" Kandi. The Xscape Kandi. Because: "I fly above all the haters..." C'mon, like...REALLY?

- Celine Dion: The Professional doesn't understand why this lady's strange, garbled vibrato gets so much hype. It sounds like she's singing through a--ahem... "microphone check." Wups.

- Shakira: In The Professional's humbeled opinion, Shakira sounds like a cross between Celine Dion, and a yodeler atop a mountain in the Swiss alps. She half-yodels and half vibratos uncontrollably. Its quite unattractive. The Professional actually thinks she might halfway enjoy Shakira (or at least refrain from hating on her) if the child would pick one style and stick with it. But instead, the public is subject to a yodeling, shaking, Celine Dion-sounding hot ass mess. But... at least she's damn pretty, right?