Social Butterfly

This past weekend, The Professional was a guest at a social gathering hosted by an old college friend of hers. The event was lots of fun, well thought-out, and hosted creatively by someone who really wanted all of her friends to enjoy each others' company. Her girlfriend did a fabulous job!

The hostess invited her network of friends from various portions of her life: Family, College Friends, Guy Friends, Girl Friends, Work Friends, etc. Of course, her guestlist was well thought-out, and she undoubtedly invited those people that she knew would get a long and have a great time. It worked, and her event was a smash hit.

As The Professional made her way through the party, catching up with old friends & colleagues, and meeting new people whose acquaintance she was genuinely pleased to make, she realized that she really should make an effort to be more social in the New Year. It was a friend of the Hostess whom The Professional had met years before, who struck the nail on the head by thoughtfully commenting "You know Kelly, we haven't really seen you since Amon passed away." She was right. And that was 2004.

Sure, The Professional has reasons (excuses?) as to why she brought her extracirricular socializing (as in: not work-related) to a serious halt after her best and most beloved friend passed. And sure--a lot of times she would honestly rather just be at home alone. But at what point should The Professional assess the situation and adjust? She's thinking the time is probably now.

The Professional believes that New Year's resolutions are hella corny, but she will take this opportunity to make a commitment to herself to make an effort--a sincere effort--to be more social in the year 2009. This weekend's event reminded her that she has some great friends to keep company with, and that there are some fantastic new people out there for her to meet.

She will start by bringing in the New Year at the Honey Collective's NYE event at Blue Velvet in The Professional's playground: Downtown Los Angeles. She'll see you there :-)

Holiday Texting

It's a rainy Christmas Day in Los Angeles, and as such, The Professional tried her best to get a really thorough "sleep-in" this morning (she was serious about this--and even dosed herself up with Tylenol PM before hitting the pillow last night). It was 6:34am when she heard the bllliiiinngggg!! of her blackberry: it was her first Holiday Text from an East coast friend who, consumed with the Christmas spirit, must have forgotten that those on the West coast were still in a state of restful slumber. As the texts kept coming in throughout the morning, The Professional started thinking about the different types of Holiday Texts that people send. She laughs at some, feels heartwarmed by others, and yet others really irritate her. She outlines the types of Holiday Texts herein:

• The "Mass" Generic Text: This message is easy to spot. It reads something impersonal and/or interchangeable, and it doesn't reference your name. Something like 10:00am's message "Merry Christmas! Have a wonderfully merry merry day!" Those with some tact like the aforementioned will at least try to make it a bit less obvious, but there's always those people who will type something like what The Professional received at 12:40pm:"Merry x-mas to all fam and friends!" You could at least try to pull a Jedi Mind Trick on a sucker, but that one is obviously a Mass Generic Text, right? The Professional doesn't engage in sending Mass Generic Holiday Texts, because she prides herself on her ability to personally relate to her friends. In response to the Mass Generic Text, she'll typically reply with something very personal like, "Thank you Dominique, please send my best to your mother and lets catch up for a drink soon. Next week?" This is her way to address the tackiness of the Generic Mass Text.
  

**Special Note: In the spirit of honesty, there is in fact, one instance where The Professional sends the Mass Generic Text: Her sorority's Founder's Day (and directly related, her brethren fraternity's Founder's Day as well). Perhaps she'll get sentimental this year and attempt to send individual messages to each of her sorors with reasons why she's glad to have them in her life, but that's a tall order that she'll have to marinate on. She has a couple weeks to think about it :-)

• The Religious Reminder Text: There are two distinct types of Religious Reminder Holiday Texts: Tactful and Tacky. At 11:37am, The Professional received what she classifies as tactful: "May the spirit of Christ fill your heart and home today and everyday!" At 9:16am however, she received a very tacky one: "Merry Christmas! Hope u have a blessed day and remember what its really about! Jesus loves u!" Ummm.... ok. Here's a newsflash: The Professional doesn't need to be reminded what Christmas is "about." She's a grown ass woman, not a child who gets caught up in the gift-receiving department and needs to be shook into religious reality. This type of text is beyond tacky--its borderline offensive. Further, if you think that the recipient of your tacky Religious Reminder Text really needs the reminder, perhaps you should take some time to internalize about what type of people are in your address book. And then, if you still really believe that your "friend" needs Jesus, how about something a pinch more significant than a passive-agressive text message? Again, the key to success with the Religious Reminder Text is subtlety. Without it, you risk being categorized as a player for Team Tacky, and we all know that this is fabulousity-suicide.

• The Personal Message: Nothing is more fabulous than the Personal Message. It signifies that you took the time and effort to focus on one person, even for just the few seconds it took to compose the message. At 10:43am, The Professional received a great personal message from one of her favorite friends: "Merry Christmas Kelly! I hope Santa brings you your entire Christmas list! I know I owe you a call...heading out of town now, so I'll hit you when I get back :-)" This is the type of message that a fabulousity expert like The Professional appreciates. Text messages are, by nature, very impersonal. So if you can't spare the time to pick up the phone and place an actual call to your beloveds, then the next best option is the Personal Message.

And finally...

• The Work-Related Message Disquised as a Holiday Message: The Professional is not gonna front--she got a few emails that she mistakenly thought were just nice lil holiday messages from work colleagues. With subject lines like "Happy Holidays" to throw her off, its no wonder she got tricked! Awww...she thought. Isn't that nice?! Open the message up and its some sneaky trickster asking her for an approval or some information or relaying some irritating news. This type of message is dispicable! Be thuggish about yours at the very least...! Make your subject line something that clearly reads: I know its Christmas, but I need this information NOW. The Professional can respect that kind of gangster. But please don't guise your request as a "happy holidays" shout-out when you know daggone well that you need her to do some work.

With the above said, The Professional bids her readers a very heartfelt (yet generic, lol) Happy Christmahanakwanzakah. She definitely appreciates your readership, and looks forward to a great new year. Have a blessed day :-)

xoxo.

Blogosphere Check 1-2, 1-2...

During this holiday week, please enjoy the following reads from around the web:

• Miss Kitty Manners: Party Etiquette. The Professional couldn't have said it better herself, which is why she suggests you brush up on your party etiquette with Kitty Bradshaw before you make an ass out of yourself at this season's plethora of holiday gatherings.

• The Professional adores The Fly Guy for his candid love advice. And he DID THAT by writing "I Only Liked It, So I Didn't Put a Ring On It." Ouch! Now there are some biting words for the single ladies around the world gettin' a little too literal with Beyonce's number...

And finally...

• The Professional's beloved doll-baby at Urban Girl Love has addressed the commercial that we can neither stop talking about, nor stop laughing at--no matter how guilty it makes us feel. Yep, its "Chicken and R&B." It it a joke? Is it forreal? Should we be pissed? Should we slap a high-five to the genius behind it? Your thoughts and commentary are welcome :-)
  

I Put On For My Cities...

This season, The Professional has resigned to the fact that she's going to be late in delivering her holiday gifts. She's giving herself a bit of a break--she has been neurotically "on time" in Christmases past, and this year she has a lot on her plate--which means that she hasn't had one single moment to give thought (and isn't thought the point?) to gift-giving.

Also this year, The Professional is making an adjustment to how she approaches the tradition of gifting. You see, instead of having her friends and family in priority position, she's going to place herself in the #1 spot. That's right: She's gifting herself first. She deserves it! And just in time to benefit from this new prioritization, her dear old friend Andrea reached out to her with a fresh and fabulous suggestion: Ork Posters.

The Professional is in love-love-LOVE with Ork Posters...! Not only are they a fantastic way to represent for the city you love, they are beautiful, contemporary pieces of art.

Chicago-based artist Jenny Beorkrem is the founder and designer of Ork Posters, described as

"a line of modern, typographic neighborhood posters, including the areas of Chicago, Brooklyn, Manhattan, San Francisco and Boston. By ditching the 'vintage, illustrated' look of traditional maps, Ork designs its posters in a style characterized by originality, simplicity and modernity focused on form more than function."

Ork Posters also offers their designs for areas including Seattle, Toronto, Great Lakes, Washington D.C. and em-effing PORTLAND..!! Shut up!! Portland! The Professional's hometown!

The Professional plans on adding the Los Angeles print as artwork for her home--a type of homage to the nearly thirteen years she's been grinding in Hollywood. She will also purchase the screenprinted Portland design to hang in her office to remind herself from whence she came. Then she's going to have to control herself, because she also wants the Manhattan poster, solely because she's obsessed with NYC (she literally used to stare at maps of Manhattan, memorizing its neighborhoods and their locations on the island. Um, yeah. The Professional is clearly easily entertained...). It will be easy to get carried away, as Ork's pieces run reasonably priced at $22 and $27.

Whether a gift for self or for a loved one, these prints are great holiday gift ideas. Ork's website promises that orders placed by 11:30am CST today will be ensured delivery by Christmas.

Put on for your city:

Ork Posters
http://www.orkposters.com

Bathroom Etiquette

If you are ever so lucky as to be invited as a guest in The Professional's beautiful home, you should be advised that there are several pieces of bathroom etiquette that she will expect you to know and respect.

As a courtesy, she outlines them below for your review. She suggests that you keep them in mind for visits not only to her home, but to anyone's. You may even wish to implement the following etiquette into the norm for visitors to your own place. The items make perfect sense, and set out the blueprint for the orderly function of one's personal space.

• The Toilet Seat Lid Stays DOWN: Though this may seem like an obvious first rule, The Professional knows from experience that its not. And she's not just talking about men that leave both the seat and the lid up--she's also talking about women that do not close the lid. The Professional keeps her toilet lid down. This means that both boys and girls should shut the top down once they are finished with their business. And don't think that she's just implementing nonsensical rules to guests--The Professional closes the lid of the toilet in her own home each time she uses it. She also closes the toilet seat when she uses the restroom at other people's homes. Obsessive-compulsive? Perhaps. But so what.

• Leave the Shower Head Alone: If for some reason, you need to--and are granted permission to take a shower at The Professional's home, she expects that you leave the shower head where it is. In the alternative, if you find it absolutely necessary to point it at another angle, you must-must-MUST remember to put it back to its original starting place before you are done. The Professional understands that her height (or lack thereof) may mean that a shower head that points at her neck is for you, pointed at your...nether-regions. However, when you move it and don't put it back to its original position you create a problem that will literally have The Professional cursing your name the next time she showers. You see, The Professional only wets her hair a couple times a week. So on days when she doesn't wet her hair, she showers strategically in a way which avoids wetting her hair. However, when you mess with the angle of her shower head and she unknowingly steps in--she's got sprays of water aimed straight at her hair. This is not cool. Just be courteous. As in the rest of life, when you move something out of its original position for your own use, remember to put it back when you're complete. Duh.

• Squeegie the Glass Shower Doors: Okay, so this one is not applicable in The Professional's current home, but for many years she lived in places where her shower doors were glass (as opposed to shower curtains). If you don't have, or have never had glass shower doors, what you likely don't understand is that even after one shower, the water drops will dry on the shower doors and create ugly spots. To avoid this, The Professional placed a squeegie discreetly inside the shower on a suction-hook. After each and every shower, she squeegie'd down the doors in order to keep them crystal clear. Just because you were a guest didn't mean that you were excused from squeegie'ing. The rule was that even if you expected someone to shower immediately after you, you had to squeegie the shower doors. This was in part to combat water spots, but also a way for the bathroom to feel more "brand new" if multiple people were using it. The Professional hates sharing the bathroom, so any detail that can assist a shared bathroom in feeling not-shared is imperative to her.

• No Wet Feets on the Bathmat: Maybe you think that the bathmat is for stepping out of the shower onto, with dripping wet feets and body. But at The Professional's house, it is not. Her bathmats are for decor purposes only. They are expensive, and they match her expensive linens, shower curtain, etc. Therefore, before stepping out of the shower onto them, you must dry your feets. This means, raise one foot...dry it...then step over and out. Raise your other foot, dry it, then step totally out of the shower. Just in case you think she's again making up crazy rules for the sake of ridiculosity, please note that this is the ritual she has established for herself as well. There is nothing worse than going into the bathroom after someone has used the shower and stepping on their wet bathmat. Gross.

You may think the aforementioned rules are stupid, but The Professional couldn't care less. Truth be told, she'd rather you not use her bathroom at all. However, she knows that she can't refuse the facilities to people she welcomes as guests in her home (even though she personally will border bladder damage before using restrooms other than her own).

This leads her to a sidebar: Why do people "ask" to use your bathroom? Are you really going to say no? The Professional doesn't "ask" to use people's restroom. She instead asks where the restroom is.

In closing, The Professional poses the question: Do you have any special bathroom rules of your own?

Second Grade Semantics

The other day, The Professional had a delightful telephone conversation with the second-grade daughter of a childhood friend. The call went something like this:

The Professional: "Hi Baby Girl!"
Baby Girl: "Hiiiiii...!"
The Professional: "How is school honey?"
Baby Girl: "It's good."
The Professional: "What are you learning?"
Baby Girl: "Spelling."
The Professional: "What else?"
Baby Girl: "Contractions."
The Professional: "Wow, that's important stuff, are you getting good grades?"
Baby Girl: "I'm getting all 'A's!'
The Professional: "Good girl. I'm proud of you."

This brief conversation was the motivation The Professional needed to write a post about a topic that's been irritating her for a good-long while now. Let her be transparent with her words: There are some of you, grown-ass adults, who lack understanding about when and where to implement proper use of spelling and contractions. Actually, an edit to that last line--because ALWAYS is the "when and where" to use proper spelling and use of contracted words. There is no respite for the implementation and usage of basic skills that we learned in second grade. None. But perhaps some of you need a refresher.

In the spirit of public service, The Professional is providing you knuckleheads with some very clear direction about fixing the faulty way you may be living as a grown-up. Sure, you can have a pass or two when rushing to type an answer via text message during your work day (though The Professional has set her BlackBerry's auto-text to replace typing shortcuts with the correct words). And drunk-texting, while ill-advised for a host of reasons, is also a place where a slip-up of the finger may cause you to send a mistake. But in your work emails? In your instant message conversations? In your Twitter entries? In your BLOG? No. No passes given here. Pay attention dammit, because whatever it is--be it laziness, or lack of a second-grade education--you are playing yourself. Seriously.

Welcome back to second grade...

Your vs. You're / They're vs. Their vs. There / To vs. Too

You look like a guaranteed idiot by refusing to acknowledge--or not knowing how to identify the differences in the groups of words noted above. Here's a couple of hints:

• You're and They're are contractions. A contraction is a word made up of a verb (an action word) and another word. A contraction meshes two words together, meaning its a type of "shortcut," though the meaning of the two words remains the same. Therefore, use these words when both words are still appropriate and wouldn't change the sentence. Some examples:

- You're supposed to be at the event.
- They're supposed to be at the event.

• Your and Their are pronouns. These words are possessive, which means they are used to show ownership of a noun (a person, place or thing). Some examples:

- Your mother is a great cook!
- What did you do with their coats?

• To and Too are just plain different words. Keep these words straight by remembering that "too" means "also" and "extremely." If you wouldn't use the word "also" as a substitute for where you're using "too," then you're using the wrong word. Some examples:

- I am not too happy about his performance.
- I am going to the store.


Look, the moral of this post is this: You are a GROWN ASS ADULT who hopefully contributes to, and participates in contemporary society. Enhance your fabulousity level by using the schoolhouse lessons you learned at age 7. When you don't, you appear to be someone that The Professional would have difficulty taking seriously, and she's sure that she's not the only one that quietly thinks you're some kind of Certified Dummy.

Thank you and carry on...

Yummy Recommendation: Hi-Chew Candy

The Professional loooooves her some good candy...! Her sugar intake has been the thorn in her dieting regimen for sure.

After years and years of taste-testing, The Professional enjoys a refined candy palette. Its because of this that she feels confident in making today's recommendation. You need to immediately go out and get some Hi-Chew candy. Like, right now. They're that addictive!

Hi-Chews are a Japanese candy that originated in 1931 as "edible chewlets." The current incarnation of the brand launched in Japan in 1975, and features six flavors. The Professional's favorite is strawberry :-)

The candy's flavors and textures are as close to her old-school favorite, Bonkers, as she can find. What the hell ever happened to Bonkers, and why did they go out of style? The Professional ate Bonkers with a passion as a child, and the smooth & chewy texture of Hi-Chew's remind her of them. Too bad one can't find Bonkers anymore. Bonkers were the shit!

The Professional buys her Hi-Chews at Famima!!, a Japanese convenience store with locations in and around Downtown Los Angeles.

Besides Hi-Chews, The Professional also loves Haribo (and only Haribo) Gummy Frogs, Gummy Colas and Gummy Twin Cherries, and dark chocolate of all kinds. What are your favorite candies?

Catching a Ride...

Throughout Downtown Los Angeles over the last couple weeks, there have been quaint little signs affixed to lightpoles announcing that as of December 8th, the ability to "hail" a taxi will be instated.

For those not familiar with Los Angeles, "hailing" has never been an option. The only way to catch a cab was to call a service and order a car to your address, or to sneak up on one posted at a hotel waiting for an airport trip. According to an article in the Downtown LA News, this new pilot program is supposed to encourage taxi drivers to "change their culture by getting out and cruising."

The Professional thinks that while this program is good in theory, she highly doubts that it will significantly affect the way Downtown dwellers/workers/visitors get around. You may think she's being a big fat hater, but what she's actually being is a realist. Cab fare is still outstandingly high, which is going to be the main deterrent to those who might actually hail these "now available" taxi's.

Case in Point: In late October, The Professional needed to get a few blocks very quickly. She had a large delivery waiting on her for an event at the J Lounge on 11th & Olive, but was in super high-heeled boots at 7th & Hope. She (literally) ran up on a taxi that was cold-chillen in the zone outside of the Sheraton. Clearly in a rush, she told the driver where she needed to go. "You can walk there," he told her. Hold up--did this em-effer just advise The Professional to walk to her desitination? Now irritated, her response was "I didn't ask you all that. I need you to drive me there. NOW." Begrudingly, he drove her the 4 or so blocks and made $6 in fare (including tip, which she should have kept for his unsolicited advice). The point is, in New York City, $6 in cab fare will get you at least 20 blocks...! So until the rates match the type of short-hopping that the councilmen in Downtown LA want its residents to partake in, The Professional will likely abstain from participation in "hailing" cabs in her neighborhood. She just doesn't see the value.

And on the subject of catching a ride...

The Downtown DASH, operated by LADOT, has extended its service on Friday & Saturday nights through December 27th and on New Year's Eve. The Late Night Dash runs for FREE (yay!) every 10 minutes from 6:30pm to 3:00am.

Also of note, the Metro Red Line has had its hours extended for the holiday season as well. Trains running between Union Station and North Hollywood are now doing so through 3:00am on Fridays & Saturdays for those doing a little late night creep'age. We see you :-)

Artist Watch: Lady GaGa - Tony Williams - Scooter Smiff

Just in case you're on the slow ferry to staying fresh & fabulous, The Professional offers the following counsel on outstanding new artists to keep on your radar. She expects each of them to fare very well on the music scene in the new year.

Lady Gaga: Mix Madonna's attitude with Christina Aguilera-ish vocals, then add some rocker/pop chick swag & some global appeal and you've got Lady GaGa. Signed to Interscope Records via Akon's KonLive imprint, Lady GaGa is a 22 year old New Yorker who is quietly creating an international name for herself. Stylistically, she's definitely the white girl you want to party with, as she exudes youthful energy and lotsa, lotsa fun. But don't get her twisted--Lady GaGa isn't just a pretty face to front someone else's musical vision. She is an accomplished singer/songwriter/performer who learned to play piano by ear. Her debut album The Fame is out now, featuring the single "Just Dance" which is already blowing up on the international scene, and charting domestically. Get your mind right & forego any expectations of syrupy Top 40 ridiculousity. This bitch can sing, and has a stylish presence and sound that will make you catch yourself dancing to records you wouldn't picture yourself enjoying. Can The Professional get a HELL YEAH for some good pop music?!!


Tony Williams: "I gotta say what's up to Tony Williams..." Remember that Kanye West line? Well, that was the good Mr. Williams on vocals on that record, "We Major." It was also him on "Everything I Am," "Drive Slow," and a host of other classic Kanye songs. It certainly helps that Tony Williams is Kanye's first cousin--but regardless of the display of nepotism, the facts remain clear: Tony Williams is a talented singer/songwriter with some impressive credits. The Professional likens him to a more polished & stylish Anthony Hamilton--with smooth, soulful vocals and thoughtful writing. The kind of music you can lull yourself to sleep with. The type to romance your Boo to. Tony Williams's album titled King or the Fool is scheduled for release soon on Kanye's G.O.O.D. Music imprint. He is currently touring internationally with his cuzzo.


Scooter Smiff: Is it ok for a 13 year old to possess the swagger of a grown ass man? The Professional doesn't have the answer to that question, and as inappropriate as it may seem, Baltimore native Scooter Smiff has got "it." The young protege of (also young) superstar Chris Brown, Scooter Smiff is a rapper, writer, dancer, choreographer, and (working--this is important) actor. The Professional knows some adults who have trouble conquering even one of those categories, but Scooter Smiff handles them all with the maturity of people three times his age. And here's an indicator of Scooter's potential: there are just a very few artists that Interscope chief Jimmy Iovine signs "on the spot." Virtually all of them go on to enjoy incredible careers. Count this young man as one of the chosen. Fully prepared to fill the void left by aging child artists like Bow Wow and the aforementioned Mr. Brown, Scooter Smiff seems armed to eclipse the type of success paved by those artists. He's super fresh, very adorable, and has talent dripping from his ice-out baby chain. The release of Head of the Class is soon forthcoming, lead by the title track single. Did he just say "this top dog don't chase no kitten"...? Oh my.

"Growing Forehead" is Nice-Talk for Going Bald

As The Professional and her beloved friends grow older, she truly believes that they are also getting better. Gone are the days of being clueless doll-babies. Gone are the days of being broke college students. The Professional and her peoples are grown-ass adults, living footloose & fancy-free fabulous lives--lives that are simply awesome.

However, though few and far between, there are some drawbacks to maturing. While The Professional was carded at a rated "R" movie as recently as last year, not all of her friends are blessed with the same babyfaced looks. And though she could go on for several paragraphs about the woes of the ways that women age, today's post is actually dedicated to the men-folk. The Professional regretfully acknowledges that some of you have a serious situation at hand (or rather, a little higher): You're growing forehead.

The Professional sees you fighting it.

She knows that the baseball cap is for much more than just style or team spirit these days. She understands why you went razor-clean bald. Your hairline has slowly creeped back-back-back, and to your horror, there was little you could do about it. You might have been shocked & appalled when it first started happening--you may have even mistakenly thought that because you are a person of color, you don't run the risk of such style suicide. But it snuck up on you, and before you knew it your forehead was way taller than you (and everyone else) remembered.

Today The Professional pours out a lil' liquor for the hairlines of many a good man. You all undoubtedly had some really good times with that full head of hair, but manhood has called--insisting that you press on through this difficult rite of passage. For those that have transitioned: She respects your gangster.

And to the gentlemen who are desperately holding on to an ever heightening hairline, The Professional offers this gentle encouragement: Let it go, dear friend. Preserve your fresh by immediately making the necessary hairstyle change. Nobody thinks hairlines-on-the-run or thinning patches are sexy. You'll do yourself a solid by accepting, then adjusting. Easier said than done, sure. But advice you definitely must take.

A moment of silence for the lost hairlines of our loved ones....

God bless.

Recognize: World AIDS Day

December 1st is internationally recognized as World AIDS Day.

The Professional knows that the domestic HIV/AIDS epidemic is in a critical state. Black America, in particular, is in a situation that rivals or exceeds the situation in sub-Saharan and third world countries.

What can you do about it?

1) Get tested. Today's HIV tests are fast, painless, and in many cases can be performed without a blood draw. HIV testing is offered for free by many, many organizations and clinics throughout the country.

2) Know your status. It's estimated that up to 50% of people carrying the HIV virus don't know that they have it. This means that they can potentially spread the virus unknowingly. Being aware of your HIV status is the first step in protecting yourself and others.

3) Become involved in the fight against HIV/AIDS. Whether that means volunteering in the mobilization effort of a local AIDS service group, or writing a year-end tax deductible donation to a national HIV/AIDS organization--everything makes a difference...!

The Professional doesn't think there's any acceptable excuse for fresh, fly and fabulous young people to NOT be educated about HIV/AIDS. However, in the very rare case that one of her readers needs a brush-up, The Professional offers the following reminders on World AIDS Day:

• AIDS is the leading cause of death for Black women aged 25-34.
• Of women living with HIV/AIDS, 80% contracted the virus through heterosexual contact.
  
• Although Black people represent only 1 in 8 Americans, one of every two people living with HIV in the U.S. is Black.
• Properly using condoms during sexual contact drastically reduces the risk of spreading HIV.