Bathroom Etiquette

If you are ever so lucky as to be invited as a guest in The Professional's beautiful home, you should be advised that there are several pieces of bathroom etiquette that she will expect you to know and respect.

As a courtesy, she outlines them below for your review. She suggests that you keep them in mind for visits not only to her home, but to anyone's. You may even wish to implement the following etiquette into the norm for visitors to your own place. The items make perfect sense, and set out the blueprint for the orderly function of one's personal space.

• The Toilet Seat Lid Stays DOWN: Though this may seem like an obvious first rule, The Professional knows from experience that its not. And she's not just talking about men that leave both the seat and the lid up--she's also talking about women that do not close the lid. The Professional keeps her toilet lid down. This means that both boys and girls should shut the top down once they are finished with their business. And don't think that she's just implementing nonsensical rules to guests--The Professional closes the lid of the toilet in her own home each time she uses it. She also closes the toilet seat when she uses the restroom at other people's homes. Obsessive-compulsive? Perhaps. But so what.

• Leave the Shower Head Alone: If for some reason, you need to--and are granted permission to take a shower at The Professional's home, she expects that you leave the shower head where it is. In the alternative, if you find it absolutely necessary to point it at another angle, you must-must-MUST remember to put it back to its original starting place before you are done. The Professional understands that her height (or lack thereof) may mean that a shower head that points at her neck is for you, pointed at your...nether-regions. However, when you move it and don't put it back to its original position you create a problem that will literally have The Professional cursing your name the next time she showers. You see, The Professional only wets her hair a couple times a week. So on days when she doesn't wet her hair, she showers strategically in a way which avoids wetting her hair. However, when you mess with the angle of her shower head and she unknowingly steps in--she's got sprays of water aimed straight at her hair. This is not cool. Just be courteous. As in the rest of life, when you move something out of its original position for your own use, remember to put it back when you're complete. Duh.

• Squeegie the Glass Shower Doors: Okay, so this one is not applicable in The Professional's current home, but for many years she lived in places where her shower doors were glass (as opposed to shower curtains). If you don't have, or have never had glass shower doors, what you likely don't understand is that even after one shower, the water drops will dry on the shower doors and create ugly spots. To avoid this, The Professional placed a squeegie discreetly inside the shower on a suction-hook. After each and every shower, she squeegie'd down the doors in order to keep them crystal clear. Just because you were a guest didn't mean that you were excused from squeegie'ing. The rule was that even if you expected someone to shower immediately after you, you had to squeegie the shower doors. This was in part to combat water spots, but also a way for the bathroom to feel more "brand new" if multiple people were using it. The Professional hates sharing the bathroom, so any detail that can assist a shared bathroom in feeling not-shared is imperative to her.

• No Wet Feets on the Bathmat: Maybe you think that the bathmat is for stepping out of the shower onto, with dripping wet feets and body. But at The Professional's house, it is not. Her bathmats are for decor purposes only. They are expensive, and they match her expensive linens, shower curtain, etc. Therefore, before stepping out of the shower onto them, you must dry your feets. This means, raise one foot...dry it...then step over and out. Raise your other foot, dry it, then step totally out of the shower. Just in case you think she's again making up crazy rules for the sake of ridiculosity, please note that this is the ritual she has established for herself as well. There is nothing worse than going into the bathroom after someone has used the shower and stepping on their wet bathmat. Gross.

You may think the aforementioned rules are stupid, but The Professional couldn't care less. Truth be told, she'd rather you not use her bathroom at all. However, she knows that she can't refuse the facilities to people she welcomes as guests in her home (even though she personally will border bladder damage before using restrooms other than her own).

This leads her to a sidebar: Why do people "ask" to use your bathroom? Are you really going to say no? The Professional doesn't "ask" to use people's restroom. She instead asks where the restroom is.

In closing, The Professional poses the question: Do you have any special bathroom rules of your own?