Televised Buffoonery: ATL Housewives

As the series "Real Housewives of Atlanta" comes to a close this evening, The Professional has finally found it in her patience to write a little bit about what she's witnessed. Yes, like a bad car accident, The Professional has been unable to avert her eyes from the hot ass mess that is the "Real Housewives of Atlanta." The entire series as a whole (Orange County and NYC included) is generally just grotesque ridiculousity--but The Cousins in Atlanta have sealed the deal on the trend of televised buffoonery that is surely 17 steps backwards to the ones Obama has made in forward progress.

"Reality" television has gotten absolutely, completely Out Of Hand. Officially.

Below please find The Professional's candid thoughts on the show's buffoons subjects:

DeShawn Snow is a clear instance of "new money" not knowing the hell how to act. What an embarrassment. It's as if she's never gotten over the initial giggles of becoming the wife of a professional athlete. Unacceptable.

The Professional is personal friends with several NBA wives--none of whom act as pretentious and clueless as DeShawn Snow. While its cool to have a charitable foundation, its absolutely not cool to throw a benefit fundraiser without a professional event producer--someone who would have made up their fee in the money saved & raised. DeShawn's event? A $30,000 catastrophic disaster that made ZERO dollars for the organization. This is not okay.


NeNe Leakes is a loud ass 'round the way girl who needs to take The Professional's course on discretion. Sure its sometimes enjoyable to poke a lil fun at your people--but there's a time and a place. When done as oft and at the volume at which NeNe does it, it just gets messy. And a hot mess is exactly what NeNe tends to stir up wherever she goes.

Is there anything wrong with being dramatic? The Professional, having been described as a Drama Queen for most of her life certainly doesn't think so. But when it starts hurting the feelings of the people close to you, that's your cue to pump brakes. NeNe certainly means well. And so we must accept her for exactly what she is: unpolished and brash with hood'ish tendancies. Unfortunately, that type of personality isn't so well received on the tea & crumpets circuit :-(


Lisa Wu Hartwell played the "I'm not in it" role pretty cooly all season long (though The Professional did catch her being the one who hipped Sheree to NeNe's "song" about Kim, thereby causing the civil war between said parties). The Professional is not mad at her entreprenuerial spirit, or the way she's delicately tiptoed around her former life--a marriage to Keith Sweat including two children that aren't shown on the series. However, even Miss Lisa played herself at least once on-screen, by verbally acknowleging what she identified as the "NBA/NFL wives club" which The Professional found sincerely pretentious and very, very tacky.

Within the last week, reports surfaced that Lisa took it to the streets on fellow Housewife Kim Zolciak. If the rumors are true, Kim don' went & lost her mind by talking about Lisa's children--which everyone knows is just-cause for an official beat down. Still waiting to see how this one will play out.


Sheree Whitfield may be the easiest one to hate, but The Professional submits that at the very least, she is extremely entertaining. The Professional is never mad at a bad bitch doing what the hell she wants to do. Sheree could certainly do it with a lot more tact, but that's neither here nor there.

Even for all her beauty--and The Professional will go on the record by committing to the fact that Sheree is drop-dead fantabulous (on the outside)--Ms. Whitfield certainly hasn't escaped her fair share of on-camera mis-steps. For instance, just because you like clothes and have some money to throw around, definitely doesn't mean you should go start up a fashion line all willy-nilly. And the handling of the samples? That was just laughable. The name "She by Sheree" is absolutely retardicrous, and its clear by her team of "Yes Women" that no one had the balls (both literally and figuratively) to advise her properly on making some smart moves for her line. This is both sad and pitiful. Being a dragon-lady isn't the key to success in life. Sometimes, its best to accept the advice and counsel of people who can help you reach your dreams. If Sheree's dream was that clothing line, then she needs to rethink her strategy.


Kim Zolciak

* taking a deep breath *

You effing IDIOT! First of all, what the hell is wrong with your WIG?! Ok so, while The Professional has never been a good "spotter" of weaves or wigs, this one is so daggone ridiculous that it warrants comment. Aren't the purpose of wigs to "fool" the general public into thinking that's your real hair? Dude, we see exactly where your wig stops (2 inches behind your hair line) because A) the hair is of two different textures; and B) because its also two different colors. OMG. Unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE! Pull that shit forward or sew it in or just do something dammit! If you can buy Gucci-this and Dior-that, then you can find yourself a good white-girl-hair-weave-do'er to sew that shit in right. You know your ass is on national television, FIX YOUR SHIT!

Secondly, the singing career? The Professional has no words. NO. WORDS. Someone should bless Dallas Austin as a Saint for not literally laughing her out of the studio. He kept his gully-face on real professional-like and played her friendly. Get yo' money Dallas! You know his ass was hella irritated for having his precious time and effort wasted on that B.S.

Finally, The Professional finds it beyond tacky the way Kim carefully doesn't mention the fact that her dude Big Poppa is married. Yep, married. That's why his ass isn't on camera you dummy, not because he's a "celebrity," because he's not. He's just a man with a gang of money, trickin' it on you. The Professional doesn't see why, but um...perhaps he enjoys the company of bad-wig-wearing, chain-smoking, no-talent-having, badly-aging white women. There's someone for everyone :-)


The series finale of "Real Housewives of Atlanta" airs tonight on Bravo at 10pm.