Airplane Etiquette

The other day while on the park & ride shuttle at LAX, The Professional overheard three businessmen discussing airplane etiquette. "Everyone knows you say a brief hello to your seat neighbor, then mind your own business," one gentleman said. Another told the painful story of a cross-country chatterbox who kept him dreadfully awake from New York to Los Angeles. Ouch.

This got The Professional to thinking. What is accepted "airplane etiquette?" She actually feels that the businessmen were a lot more polite than even she--the Princess of Polite. The Professional certainly is no shy-mouse when it comes to air travel. In today's travel culture, all bets are off when it comes to how she interacts with those whom she views as just more bodies in her way of getting quickly & successfully from Point A to Point B.

Upon stepping her stilettoes onto a jet plane, The Professional immediately goes into recluse mode. She grabs a pillow and blankie from the overhead compartments as she sashay's down the aisle, eyeballing her seat from several steps ahead. The Professional always, always, always sits in the same (type of) seat--a "right side" window seat, typically afforded the "F" or "G" distinction, meaning that her right side is against the side of the plane whence seated.

The Professional doesn't waste her breath with small talk to her row-mates. If they arrived before her, and had to get up in order to let her into the row, she (of course) graciously thanks them and quickly settles. If she's the first one there, she'll likely already have her (fabulous) sleeping mask and earplugs in place, hood over her head which is squarely positioned on a pillow against the plane's wall. This is how The Professional stays for the duration of the trip. Something about the white noise of a plane puts her immediately to sleep. She doesn't awake for food or beverage service, she doesn't use the restroom, and on her most recent international trip she also didn't budge for Customs forms procedures. She awoke as the plane was in its descent to find the forms placed gently on her lap.

Perhaps what the aforementioned businessmen may need to grasp is the art of being Stone Cold. The Professional has never had a problem with a row-mate talking her ear off during a plane ride. This is certainly because she never affords a potential squawker with an opportunity to indulge in conversation. The Professional doesn't make eye contact, she doesn't look friendly, and she definitely minds her own daggone business. She finds that this routine makes her air travel more bearable during a time when getting anywhere is an absolute pain in the buttocks.

And now, time for some internalization. Think hard about the following descriptives. If any of them apply to you, please get you some airplane etiquette immediately, because you are likely one of the idiots making travel a headache for the rest of us:

• Loud Talker: Use your Inside Voice, dammit! Sure, its fine to chat it up on an airplane, if that's what you so choose to do with a willing conversation participant. However, people five rows back should not be privvy to the intimate details of your chatter, laughter, etc.
  

• Seat Messer-With'er: This means seat kicking, poking, pushing, extra-cirricular rough handling of the tray table, etc. There is someone sitting in the seat in front of you, please be considerate!

• Sneezy-Pooh: The Professional is a certified germ-o-phobe, so excessant sneezing and coughing in an enclosed space like an airplane cabin is enough to drive her batty. If you know your ass has allergies or a tickly throat, please handle that situation before you spray your germs on innocent people that have no escape route from your ridiculousity. Don't be gross.