The Truth About Granny Panties

From archive vaults of "An Advanced Guide to Being Professionally Fabulous," please enjoy this fan favorite, originally posted August, 2008.  Enjoy!

Listen up Gentlemen, cuz this one goes out to you.

The Professional realizes that any undergarment that's not a "thong" (gawd, that's an ugly word), is considered *in your limited per-view* a Granny Panty. This is a retardicrous assumption on many different levels, and The Professional, ever an educator, takes this opportunity to provide some information that you dudes just really need to know. Pay attention--cuz once she's done, she'll consider you "in the know," and doesn't want to hear any further ridiculousity on this subject. Ever again.

The first thing you need to understand, is that thong underwear was invented by the Devil, who as a member of the male species, selfishly knew that he was engaging in a plot to keep women uncomfortable and objectified at all times. This leads to...

Lesson #1: There is nothing wrong with Granny Panties. When you think about it, men grow up wearing Granny Panties--you know, Dun-duh-dun's... That's the kind of underwear that all little boys wear, at least until adolescence when boxers become more acceptable, or more comfortable--which leads to...

Lesson #2: Granny Panties are comfortable. See, when you all transitioned from Dun-duh-dun's to boxers, it was likely a comfort issue, right? You needed to let your stuff "breathe." But transversely, when little girls "grow up" and mature into the next stage of undergarments, our comfort is thrown out of the window--and for what? So that boys don't tease us about our panty lines? This is some deep isht, pleezebelieveit.

So, this discussion is both one of gender roles and personal comfort. The gender roles? Well, that's a larger societal issue that one blogger won't dare to tackle in a single post. But personal comfort can certainly be addressed, so The Professional would now like to bring your attention to...

Lesson #3: Not all Granny Panties are Granny Panties. As mentioned above, The Professional has come to understand that men tend to group anything that's not a thong, into the "Granny Panty" category. This is simply not fair. The undergarment industry has actually done a remarkable job of providing women with a wide range of attractive options that offer more cheek-coverage than the traditional (and severely uncomfortable) thong. For example...

<-----The Boyshort is a lower-riding, hip-hugging,
full-covering option for the style-conscious.

The Bikini ----->
This style rides much lower than what is
traditionally thought of as a Granny Panty.

So really, what is a Granny Panty? Is it something that comes up high--like up near the belly button? Is it something made out of cotton, instead of a silky fabric? Or is it simply something that covers the cheeks, either all--or in part?

Okay, so lets just break it on down. Unless and until the day arrives that MEN are expected to conduct their daily lives wearing undergarments that literally consist of a string of fabric riding between their booty cheeks, The Professional submits that the commentary on how WOMEN choose their underwear should come to a complete and sudden halt. The expectation that society has placed on women (and that realistically, women have placed on themselves) have a duty to at all times keep their cheeks exposed is ridiculousity at its highest level. We are expected to be panty-line free at work, at play, during slumber? Oh hell no, The Professional sleeps her fly self in some binkini's, boyshorts--whatever is not a thong. One time, as she climbed into bed with her Boo, he sarcastically commented "Well those are sexy," at her choice of sleeping undergarments. Sure, she understands that men would prefer women to be just sans-panties at all times, but is this realistic? Should The Professional not be comfortable in her sleep, so that her Boo can think she's sexy? Yeah, um...NO.

Don't get her wrong... The Professional certainly accepts that there are times & places that the thong is appropriate. These times and places consist primarily of instances that she wants you to look at her booty. But if you shouldn't be looking at it (at work) or have already seent it (long term relationship), she just really needs you to give her a break. Its fabulous to be fashion-conscious (where appropriate), and its fresh to give your Boo an unexpected treat from time to time, but its even more fly to be self-aware, comfortable, and not objectified. And you can holler at that all day long.

CATCH UP: Video Blogs

The Professional urges you to take advantage of this brief break in her production schedule to catch up on episodes of the video blog companion to "An Advanced Guide to Being Professionally Fabulous."

Visit her YouTube Channel, and view some fan favorites below...

Fashionable Food: KOGI BBQ

There are a few food items that The Professional loses her damn mind over.

For instance, the wild rice salad from uber-delicious HealthyCA in North Hollywood, CA -- the shadiest little healthy restaurant in all the land.  Don't let it be too late in the day.  That wild rice salad will be gone-dot-com, and The Professional will feel a wave of tragedy wash over her as the counter helper breaks the bad news.

Or her beloved Crystal Clear sparkling water beverage in the Ralph's grocery market downstairs from her home.  Lovingly nicknamed "Peach Water," The Professional has been known to shed a real tear when she arrives to find the shelf barren of said product.

And when Houston's discontinued their Barbecue Chicken Breast from the menu in the early 2000's, she had a sincerely full-out meltdown in the middle of their Century City restaurant.  Her temper tantrum was public, and the waitress was more than a little bit scared.

Recently, The Professional has noticed that she feels that certain kind of special way about the high-fashion rage around Los Angeles: Kogi BBQ.  There are a variety of different reasons as to why it makes sense not to pay these humble trucks much mind -- they are "food trucks" after all, and at first mention , a "Korean Taco" doesn't sound that appealing.  At least not to a closed-minded, picky eater like The Professional.  However, she assures you that the short-rib tacos from the Kogi BBQ truck are absolutely everything heavenly on earth.  Everything.

Unless you've been under a rock or otherwise completely oblivious to trends within food culture, you've definitely heard of Kogi BBQ.  The business and its rock-star owners have enjoyed considerable press and lots of success with their Southern California gourmet trucks, serving fresh fusion food.

The Professional has become such a fan that she once came quite close to a full meltdown when the muthaluvin' po-po pulled up just as she had taken her place on line, citing incorrect permits for that day's visit to her block. She felt a physical desperation and helplessness building in her chest as the truck's staff packed up and headed out.  Then there was the time that the announcement of "No more short-rib!" was called out juuuuuuust as The Professional reached the head of the line.  She was discombobulated and devastated, so she stepped out of line -- feelings officially hurt.

Despite those couple instances, her experience with Kogi BBQ is generally a love-love relationship.  She follows them on Twitter religiously, and feels a gleeful delight when her neighborhood comes up in the rotation.  The Professional suggests that you get your life right by seeking out one of these divine trucks immediatante.  You know her taste is exceptional, so don't ask any questions.  Just hop to it.  The end.

Damn Good Music... ZZ Ward

The Professional knows that there's nothing more fabulous in life than eclectic and diverse taste.  This is especially true with music.  She once tweeted how thankful she is that her own lily-white and squarepants mommy raised her with an exceptional musical diversity -- from Ella Fitzgerald to Mozart to Patsy Cline to The Beatles -- which ultimately encouraged The Professional to make a living out of what she loves most.

The Professional considers herself someone who keeps her finger on the pulse of what is dope and current within the music industry -- no matter what the genre.  Today, she's pleased to share a new find :-)

ZZ Ward
http://www.zzward.com
Twitter: @zzwardmusic

If you don't fall in love with her achingly beautiful voice, you have no heart.  If you don't become enraptured with her painfully expressive writing, you have no soul.  As a fan of great music and talent, The Professional got caught up in both -- making her an an immediate fan and supporter.

ZZ Ward is a sexy, soulful Southern-style rocker whose brand of "back porch music" marries dirty beats with contemporary interpretations of the blues.  The singer/songwriter cites artists such as Muddy Waters and Big Mama Thornton as musical influences.  She plays piano and guitar, and gigs in and around the Los Angeles area.  Check out this video from her most recent show last week at the world-famous Viper Room in Hollywood:






The Professional suggests that you broaden your musical tastes by immersing yourself in the music and artistry of ZZ Ward.  Stream more musical selections and videos at her official website, and leave a comment below with your thoughts about this artist...